Sharing My Secret

At the age of 32, I am telling others for the first time about the secret I have kept since Junior High.  

I have an eating disorder.

There is this look of shock in their eyes.

      “I didn’t know.”

      “Really?, Wow”

      “I wouldn’t have guessed that about you.”

Ms P made sure no one knew about ED.  My perfectionism tells me I have to have it all together, so why would I tell or show anyone I have a mental health illness.

Some of the people I am telling have known me my whole life. 

Only a small handful of individuals knew about my shameful secret.  Let’s be honest here, I didn’t realize I had an eating disorder for a good portion of my life.

If you would have told me three years ago, I would be telling family/friends and writing a blog, I would have been horrified and said that's impossible.

How could I tell others about ED?  I was the good Christian girl who was supposed to have it all together, get good grades, and be voted most likely to succeed in high school.

I have been so encouraged by the love and support I have received since I started sharing about ED.  Many people tell me about someone they know who has been affected by an eating disorder.  This doesn't mean people have always said the right thing, but I choose to believe their intentions are good.

I feel empowered when I tell people.  It’s a victory in the battle against ED.  Sharing my story has been so important because it takes the secret into the light where he doesn't have the same control over me.

The shame that has kept me from sharing starts to lift as I am vulnerable and allow others to see the real me, not the perfect, I have it all together, Kassandra.  For the first time, they are seeing the authentic me!

I am very thankful to my family and support team who has walked with me through recovery and helped me get to the point where I can share my story with others. This has been a very important step in my journey.

There are a lot of misconceptions out there about eating disorders. You can't tell someone has an eating disorder by looking at them.  This is why I am so passionate about telling others about ED.  It’s important to educate those around us. I recommend the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA).

How have people responded to you when you shared about your eating disorder or a secret you have kept from those around you?

 

An Identity that Stands Up Against ED

 

You know the moment when something happens and you just can’t take it anymore?  

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You were having a hard time holding it together, but then something happens and it pushes you over the edge.

This happened to me a couple of weeks ago at work when I had to give a big speech.  

Plus, the next day I was sharing my ED story publicly for the first time at a NEDA Walk.

ED & the Gang came out in full force!  They all started talking at the same time.

Conversations went something like this...

ED: You know if you were thinner you’d be in control and you would be a better Executive Director. Since you are fat and unattractive you will do a terrible job giving your speech.  How can you get up on stage and show your face.  You should be so ashamed.  

Mr. P: You are an awful speaker.  Who do you think you are?  

Ms. P:  Well, since you are fat, ugly, and an awful speaker, you shouldn’t do it at all!  It’s all or nothing.  Being perfect is the only way to do it.  

Of course they are all talking over each other.  Then they start telling me what I should be doing.  They all come together to say the same thing…

BINGE...ESCAPE...NUMB...ISOLATE...

Before recovery, I had no way to fight back these attacks.  This verbal abuse is relentless and hurts to the core.  In Recovery, I have the tools and experience to know I can do battle with ED & The Gang.  

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The key has been

• my faith

• remembering where my identity is found.

Both have been essential in winning the battle against ED & the Gang.  

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ED & The Gang tells me there's only one way to be happy and that is to strive after what society, Hollywood, and the media says is beauty and success.

 

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Experiencing the love and grace of Jesus silences the voices!  Before I only knew about His love and grace but now I experience it.  

David G Benner in his book, Surrender to Love, explains it this way...  

“It took me a long time to begin to know God through my heart and not simply my head.”

He goes on to say,

“It demands sufficient basking in this love that being deeply loved becomes the foundation of your identity.”

As I spent more time with Christ,

He showed me He is the Father who is running to me.

He reminds me my looks, performance, and works can’t give me my identity.  

What a relief to experience His grace and to feel the assurance that my identity comes in who HE is and has nothing to do with ME!

It’s like I can breathe again.  ED & the Gang have no power against this truth.  I am no longer paralyzed by the thought of standing up in front of a crowd of people. 

You see Jesus reminds me He is the one who created me and called me to my work, so He finds me beautiful and will equip me to do my job.  

My identity is not attached to how I look or perform.  He is my identity!

In my mind, I see Him standing behind me at the microphone and holding me up.  He tells me I am extravagantly loved and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says.  

This particular video has been very helpful in my identity journey!

Where do you find your identity?

 

How does ED want to define your identity?

Transitions with ED & The Gang

Transitions have always been difficult for me with ED, especially when returning home after a trip.  I’m not sure what about it is so tough, but I’ve heard I’m not alone in this struggle.

Recently, I returned home from the Dominican Republic where my husband and I spent a week at an all inclusive resort to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.

View from our balcony in the Dominican Republic

The typical struggle started on our flight home.  

We landed about 25 minutes early to catch our second flight home to Columbus.

 I was excited to arrive early because we only had 1 hour to get through customs, grab our luggage, go through security again, and catch the next fight.  

The gate assigned to us was occupied so we sat on the plane for about 40 minutes.  Now we had even less time to catch the next flight.  

We made it, but it was one VERY stressful 45 minutes.

I could feel the desire to Crash & Burn slowly creep into me as I sat on the second flight home.  

Ed told me I would feel so much better if I would drown my stress in food.  He told me I needed to eat and isolate from the world.  

Then I would feel better.  

But I remembered the thousands of times where I have listened to ED and realized that to follow his instructions would only lead me into a deeper pit of despair.

I decided there on the plane that I was going to use the skills I had developed to fight ED & The Gang.

 

 

I got out my journal and started writing.  I asked myself these questions….

 

 

As I began to write, I realized I was experiencing a lot of emotions from our layover.  It felt so good to acknowledge the stress and that I was upset for not handling it better.  

I offered myself grace, reminded myself I’m human, and told myself I don’t have to have it all together.  

By the time the flight landed I was at peace and the urge to binge and isolate was gone!

I had several times where the urge to Crash & Burn came along the days following our trip.  I didn’t always respond to these urges correctly, but I didn’t give in to a complete Crash & Burn.  

Progress not perfection.  

This transition gave me the opportunity to strengthen my healthy coping muscles so they are stronger for next time! 

Do you find transitions hard?  If so, what about them is difficult for you?